6 Things To Say (And Not Say) To Someone Who Is Grieving

{Na Pali Coast, Kauai, Hawaii}

I always struggle with grief this time of year.  Among other stressors, this month also marks the 14th year death anniversary of my grandfather, whom I was extremely close to.  You’d think that after fourteen years, the grief wouldn’t hit me so hard, yet it still does.  Grief is one of the most difficult emotions we experience as humans, yet is also one of the most commonly misunderstood.

Below are some actions and statements that I’ve found most helpful both personally and professionally in my office when I have patients coping with grief.  I initially drafted this post last week while in a combined state of anger and sadness (predominantly anger) related to grief.  I contemplated deleting the initial draft, which I titled “Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who Is Grieving.”  However, since I try to maintain authenticity on my blog, I decided to leave the section I wrote while in an angered state, particularly because people frequently experience anger, yet often internalize and feel too ashamed to express the emotion.  People need to recognize that grief does not consist of only sadness.  Grief is a complex emotional roller-coaster that may involve one or a combination of emotions such as anger, rage, sadness, guilt, depression, joy, denial, shock, disbelief, confusion, frustration, exhaustion, apathy, numbness…(I think you get the point).

Since people often feel clueless about what to say to someone who is grieving (trust me, I struggle sometimes with what to say as well), I hope that you will consider the following when you or someone you know is experiencing grief:

Things You Should NOT Say To Someone Who Is Grieving:

1. “It’s been ___ days/weeks/months/years already…you should be over it by now.”  Grief has no timeline.  The closer a relationship someone has with the deceased, the longer it may take to overcome the painful emotions.  As one of my amazing readers (whom I learned a lot from since he shared his experience with losing a child) pointed out: grief never fully goes away, but rather becomes more tolerable.

2. “Just try not to think about it.”  Telling someone not to think about losing someone is like telling someone not to be human.

3. “‘So-and-so’ has already moved on…you should too.”  Comparisons are terrible because each individual person has their own process of experiencing grief.

4. “Just be strong.”  Saying this statement actually does the opposite and evokes a sense of weakness for not being able to overcome such strong emotions that may feel outside of one’s control.

5. “I know how you feel. My ____ died…”  Don’t even try to make the difficult situation more about you.  I once sought support from a peer and confided in my sadness only to have her shift the focus to herself and her past losses (and she was a psychotherapist!).  Though I’m sure her intentions were good, a part of me wanted to punch her in the face for wasting my time and energy.

6. “He/she is in a better place now.”  I’m a little mixed about this statement because it can be comforting if used in a thoughtful way, but annoying if said generically as a reflex response.  For example, when my grandmother passed away, I felt comforted when a relative said “She’s in a better place now with your grandpa in heaven” because my relative knew of my grandparents’ enduring love for each other having been married for >50 years, in addition to our spiritual beliefs.  However, when an acquaintance says the statement in a generic manner, it doesn’t feel genuine at all.

Bottom line — don’t say anything to someone who is grieving unless you truly, wholeheartedly mean it.  If it doesn’t feel authentic to you when saying it, then it most definitely won’t feel authentic to the person who is grieving.  And if you’re not good at verbally communicating your thoughts, then read on to see how your actions can be just as helpful (if not more).

Helpful Things To Do/Say To Someone Who Is Grieving:

1. Just be present.  Actions speak louder than words, especially during such a difficult time when grief tends to be a very isolating experience.  Being present shows that you’re aware of how difficult the experience is and that you won’t let them go through it alone.

2. Give a hug.  Several years ago, I was sitting in a lecture during residency when I received news that my grandmother passed away.  During the state of shock, I truly appreciated when my co-residents gave me hugs especially knowing that there was nothing they could say to make me feel better at that moment.  Giving me a hug showed that they acknowledged the news and wanted to show that they cared.

3. “If you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here for you.”  Again, showing your support and offering your help when needed demonstrates that you care.

4. “I’m so sorry to hear the news” or “I’m so sorry about your loss.”  Often, when people don’t know what to say, they may avoid saying anything at all to the person grieving.  Avoidance is one of the worst things to do to someone who is grieving because one might assume that you don’t care, which most likely isn’t the case.  Saying something as simple as this statement acknowledges that you’re aware and recognize the impact of the person’s loss.

5. “I’ll be thinking/praying for you and your family/ (anyone else known to be deeply impacted by the loss).”  Expressing that your thoughts (or prayers if the person is religious/spiritual) are with someone shows that you know this is a difficult/tough time for everyone involved.

6. “I know I can’t say anything to take the sadness away, but just know that I’ll be here to support you.”  This is such a true statement — nothing you say can bring the deceased back to life nor take the pain away, so offering your support and presence speaks volumes to someone who is struggling during bereavement.