Category:

Personal

Finding Your Way

{Yountville, California}

I woke up yesterday morning with a sense of dread and struggled to get out of bed, yet ended the day feeling energetic and liberated. Lately, I’ve been making conscious efforts to prioritize myself for the sake of maintaining my sanity. As a result, my mood and anxiety levels have improved almost instantaneously after making a crucial decision regarding my work schedule and the next step to take in my career. If you have any important decisions to make, I strongly recommend holding off on any impulsive, irrational decisions unless you’ve had time to relax and get in the right state of mind. So often our minds get bombarded by all the stressors in our lives that we lack any reserve to think clearly. So take a break, talk it out with others, weigh your options, and trust that your instincts will take you down the right path.

August 1, 2015 6 comments

Personal

Will Return

written by freudandfashion

{Yachats, Oregon}

Still on vacation and giving my brain a chance to rest. Will be back to reality and blogging more extensively when I return from my break next week!

Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend!

July 25, 2015 4 comments

Personal

Set Free

written by freudandfashion

{International Rose Test Garden, Portland, Oregon}

Okay, I’ll be honest. I’d much rather watch a documentary on Netflix (anyone have any suggestions?) and let my mind wander than write a blog post right now. Escaping to Oregon earlier this week for the first leg of my vacation provided a perfect combo of nostalgia, tranquility, and connection. Rather than psychoanalyze and process the impact that my trip had on my psyche (as I usually do in my posts), I’m instead going to reminisce and share pictures from my trip, which hopefully captures the essence of my time spent there. I still have one more week of vacation left, so if my writing doesn’t have as much structure and depth as usual, that’s because my writing is characteristic and reflective of my current, free-flowing state of mind.

{Washington Park, Portland, Oregon}

{Portland Japanese Garden}

{Yachats, Oregon}

{Devil’s Churn, Oregon}

July 18, 2015 15 comments

Personal Psychiatry

Open Doors

written by freudandfashion

Up until a few years ago when I graduated from residency, life appeared to have a linear, predictable path: obtain high school diploma, finish undergraduate degree, get accepted into medical school, graduate from residency, secure a well-paid job as a psychiatrist.

Yet, throughout the entire process, I encountered several challenging experiences trying to adjust to each new phase. When I moved away from home for college, I was so excited to live with four girlfriends and finally feel independent enough to lead an exciting college life. However, I can vividly recall the day my parents helped me move and when they left, I cried. For several days, all I wanted to do was isolate in my room. Eventually, I became more comfortable with my living situation and newfound independence, but my initial desire was to flee back home as often as possible.

For medical school, I was fortunate to get accepted into a school within 30 minutes from my hometown, so I was familiar with the area and lived with family that first year while adjusting to the grueling academic demands. It was so nice to come home to a hearty meal prepared by my grandmother or aunt after a full day of lectures, anatomy lab, and studying.

However, when I moved away to Oregon for residency (a state I never even visited let alone knew anybody who lived there), I felt extremely lonely and isolated. At some point, my program director suggested that I see a psychiatrist because I wasn’t performing very well on tests. I felt like a failure. Yet, finally realizing that I needed help was when I started to evaluate myself in order to create change. It’s the time that blogging became an outlet for social support and connection that I felt was missing at that point in time. It was the period of my life when I became more self-aware, made long-lasting friendships, discovered my leadership ability, and became chief resident. Such a pivotal point in my life motivated me to evaluate myself and discover my resiliency based on how I overcame my struggles.

When I rotated at the student psychological center at the local university, I saw several patients who struggled with transitioning to college life. I completely identified with them. I currently have several patients going through major changes (divorce, moving away for school, starting a new job, recently losing their job, getting married, expecting their first child, etc). I emphatically listen and validate their experiences — going through life change WILL challenge your usual ways of coping (ie, one may cope by isolating, keeping thoughts to themselves, working out at the gym more, confiding in a friend, etc). And sometimes, depending on the stressor, the usual copings skills may not be enough to overcome the challenge.

And here lies the dilemma — Even the most linear path in life has its challenges. Do you face the challenge head on, or do you recognize your limitations and choose a different path, or do you justify ways to avoid the situation altogether?

Photo by Marlon Santos

July 15, 2015 11 comments

Personal

Thankful Thursdays

written by freudandfashion

{Los Angeles, California}

I haven’t done a Thankful Thursday post on my blog in awhile (though I do a weekly “Thankful Thursdays” series on my Snapchat account), but figured I’d do one this week especially since my two week vacation is coming up the following week, which I’m long overdue and looking forward to. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I have been experiencing burnout from work, which has led to general feelings of detachment, mood changes, and decreased ability to efficiently maintain my responsibilities at work. Though my vacation isn’t until next week, I’ve been trying to relax and enjoy myself this week, which was accomplished by taking a spontaneous trip through Los Angeles, including the amazing Getty Museum. I am thankful not only for the break I’ll get, but for the fact that I recognized my need for self-care not only for the sake of myself, but also so that I can better support, care for, and be present for my patients.

Though of the Day: What are you thankful for from this week??

For background information of the reasoning behind my Thankful Thursdays posts, check out my 1st post of the series here! (And subsequent posts here and here).

{Santa Monica sunset}

July 9, 2015 8 comments

Personal

Brighter Days

written by freudandfashion

{Napa, California}

I am so appreciative of the supportive comments I received after sharing my personal experience of physician burnout. I’ve had similar experiences, especially during medical school and residency, but never felt comfortable enough to share until recently. In my practice, I work with so many patients who suppress their emotions. I identify with them wholeheartedly because I am just like them. During residency, I made excuses to avoid meetings with my supervisors because rather than discuss patient cases, the meetings would somehow turn into therapy sessions where I’d cry and feel embarrassed for exposing my vulnerabilities. At the time, suppression and isolation were the only ways I knew how to cope, but it’s a pattern I am actively trying to break ever since I started seeing a psychotherapist during my fourth year of residency.

A common phrase that I mention to my patients (which was told to me by my amazing sister, who is a marriage and family therapist) is that “if you suppress yourself, you depress yourself.” We all suppress ourselves to some degree, but once able to overcome the barriers {our own internal barriers (i.e. cultural, self-criticism, etc), in addition to external barriers (such as the immense pressures and expectations placed on physicians)}, then we have a better chance at achieving wellness and exerting more control in our lives and our careers.

June 27, 2015 6 comments

Personal

Reconnect

written by freudandfashion

{Miami Beach, Florida}

Lately, my ability to write and stay connected via my blog and social media requires far more effort than usual. I’ve written in previous posts that when life gets overwhelming, one of the first things that fall to the wayside is my blog. I’m trying hard to stay consistent on posting because the last time I put my blog aside, I ended up taking a one year hiatus from September 2013 through September 2014. I sound like a broken record when I find myself regularly struggling with life balance, though I’m well aware that the ability to find balance is an ongoing process.

This weekend, I’m headed to northern California to visit my family for Father’s Day and am looking forward to reconnecting again. I also have group therapy today before catching my flight, so i hope to get some feedback from my therapist and group members regarding my disconnect and self-critical self.

I know that I am human, “nobody’s perfect,” and we’re entitled to our good and bad days. Yet, I just can’t help getting frustrated when I don’t feel like myself. I’m sure several of you out there can relate?

June 20, 2015 8 comments

Personal

Reset, Recharge

written by freudandfashion

{Miami Beach, Florida}

I talk A LOT about mental health (in case you haven’t noticed), so I’ve appreciated the opportunity to put psychiatry-related thoughts aside for the last week while on vacation. And I haven’t psychoanalyzed one thing while in Florida, which is a record for me! I recognize how burned out I was getting, especially since I slept a whole lot during my first few days of vacation. In the past, I probably would’ve felt guilty about saying I was tired of talking about mental health, but sometimes taking a break from your interests and passions makes you appreciate them even more. I intend on using my final days of vacation to soak up more sun, take a boat ride along the bay, shop, enjoy delicious Cuban dishes, and anticipate feeling fully recharged by the time I return to work next week. Hope you have a relaxing weekend!

Beautiful lanterns at the Shore Club

June 6, 2015 10 comments

Personal Psychiatry

Being Me

written by freudandfashion

{Chino, California}

My group therapy session last week left me feeling rejected, embarrassed, sad, self-conscious, and angry (all in that order). Somehow, I became the focus during group and the subject matter stirred up emotions of being an outcast preteen, which I thought I’d outgrown. I didn’t have very many friends in elementary school. Kids often made fun of me and singled me out for various reasons (one was related to race since there weren’t very many Asians at my school at the time). I clearly still remember the boy who called me names as I was shooting hoops by myself on the playground as he repeatedly told me to go back home to China (I am Filipino). Apparently, as I experienced during group therapy, the memory still effects me with just as much emotion today as it did when I was a kid, which sounds ridiculous especially since I’m a grown adult who has accomplished so much in my life. Yet, I’m sure we all have memories as a child that we either vividly recollect, suppress, or completely block out of our minds due to the pain they once caused. As much as I hated having these feelings come to the surface, I trusted in the therapeutic process and knew that re-experiencing the emotions would lead to greater insight.

Now that one week has passed, I felt different going back into my group therapy session this weekend. I was able to consciously separate the feelings I had as a kid from the grown adult I am today. During group, I shared the wave of my emotions I had experienced in the interim, as well as how my cultural background and traditional upbringing impacts my communication with others (ie, in Filipino culture, assertiveness is often viewed as being arrogant and disrespectful, whereas in American culture, assertiveness is often expected and rewarded). The outcome was a sense of validation from my group cohort, for they wanted to understand the reasons why it’s so hard for me to talk and express my opinion during group. Sure, I had to feel like crap and relive components of the hurtful experience, but the outcome is that I’m able to distinguish how those deeply ingrained feelings continue to impact my interactions with others today (ie, fear of feeling misunderstood, withholding my opinion due to fear of being judged, feeling prone to scrutiny, etc). There’s something therapeutic about being consciously aware of the origins of your emotions, whereas prior to this exchange, I felt out of control of the emotions as they were triggered. I realize that I’m not the self-conscious, shy kid I used to be. During my latest group therapy session, I recognized my ability to let down the walls that I had built to protect myself from criticism/judgment. The ultimate outcome = feeling more open to being myself.

As a result of this experience, I have even greater respect for those in therapy. It’s not easy processing painful emotions and many have experienced far more difficult and traumatic events in their lives compared to me. For anyone who believes that therapy is designed to make you feel good after each and every session, you’re wrong. Therapy takes far more work and courage than anyone can even imagine.

Photo by Marlon Santos

May 26, 2015 12 comments

Personal Psychiatry

A Cluttered Mind

written by freudandfashion

Current state of mind = disorganized.

My typical morning routine before heading to work looks pretty turbulent and disjointed. I usually hit the snooze button several times, check my email and various social media accounts in bed with my eyes half open (and probably “like” the most random, obscene pictures on Instagram and Facebook while in a somnolent state), slowly get up to conduct my basic hygiene rituals, throw numerous pieces of clothing on my bed while selecting an outfit based on my mood, then run downstairs to grab all of my belongings (purse, food, coffee), then proceed to get into my car when I suddenly realize that I forgot something, rush back inside to recover the forgotten item, then speed off in my car and head to work. Monday-Friday = same routine. I used to get jealous of my friends who’d wake up early enough to sip their morning coffee, read the paper or watch the news and get ready for work at a leisurely pace. I wish my routine could be more linear. However, my routine has existed for years and works for me. No harm is caused, other than leaving a mess that looks as if a tornado ripped through my bedroom.

I contemplated writing a post that provides tips on how to be more organized, but refrained since there’s plenty of articles and books on the subject. Plus, I’d be the last person anyone would listen to on the topic of organization. I’ve had family members, friends, exes, teachers, tutors, medical directors, etc, try and teach me strategies to better organize my life. And did I listen? Sometimes, but mostly no. I experimented with various methods and eventually cultivated my own process that works best for me. Therefore, I will at least list my tactics since sometimes it’s helpful to know what works for others:

Start the morning with a to-do list: if you’re one who can keep your to-do list straight in your mind, then more power to you. I, however, have to jot down my list otherwise nothing gets done.
Keep only one planner/organizer: at one point, I was writing things in my planner, penciling appointments into a separate calendar, entering activities into my google calendar, sticking post-its in random places = STRESS trying to keep track of everything. I’m old-school and like writing things down, so I keep one planner and make sure I list all my notes, to-do list, appointments, etc, in my planner so that I know exactly where to look.
Recognize patterns in your disorganization:
- Prioritize sleep — productivity, cognition, concentration, and overall ability to function, are directly correlated with sleep. I am most disorganized if I don’t sleep well the night before. Once I was able to identify this pattern, I learned not to be so hard on myself on those days and made sure to prioritize getting a good night’s rest on subsequent days.
- Maintain your routine as much as possible — when my weekly routine changes (for example, due to travel, etc), I have a much harder time getting re-situated upon my return. However, recognizing this pattern reminds me that I need to either be more proactive or go easier on myself if my house or office looks even more disastrous than usual (yes, I’m one of those people who takes several days to unpack my suitcases).

Though I’m currently a bit more disorganized than usual, I know that I’ll eventually get back on track. Today, I wrote my to-do list and proudly checked off half of the items listed. Over the years, I’ve learned not to beat myself up if I wasn’t able to complete everything on my list. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s not the end of the world if I have a few extra items listed and has a negligible impact in the grand scheme of things.

Therefore, my main advice is to discover what works for you. The most validating statement ever made to me about my perceived disorganization was when my mentor told me that it’s okay to find comfort in chaos. While some people prefer neat, tidy, and systematic, others may function better in a less controlled environment. Just because my routine isn’t the same as my friends’ doesn’t mean that I’m abnormal.

Thought of the Day: Which techniques help you most with organization?

Photo by Marlon Santos

May 21, 2015 12 comments

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