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Personal

Thankful Thursdays – Time Off

{Fairfield, California}

Time off from work couldn’t have arrived at a better time. It has been awhile since I wrote my last “Thankful Thursdays” post (see previous ones here and here), so I think it’s appropriate to write one given my current state of mind (which is more relaxed and centered). My vacation started off with a quick, last minute trip to visit my family in northern California, which is usually my preferred travel destination each time I get the urge to feel more rooted and have the need to reset. During a stroll with my sister, I realized the grassy hilltops are gorgeous landscapes that I’ve taken for granted ever since my family first moved to the area when I was in junior high. For some reason, the lush hills appeared immaculate and majestic this time around. I enjoyed reuniting with family visiting from the Philippines, tasting my mom’s traditional filipino dishes, and playing card games with my cousins and siblings. I truly savored my brief stay.

Currently, I am sitting in a hotel lobby located in the flourishing city of Scottsdale, Arizona. I stare outside at the backdrop of pristine mountains, pale blue skies streaked with thinly layered clouds, and adobe fountains and fixtures at the forefront. Everything seems extremely tangible – from the texture of the furniture to the warmth of the sun hitting my face. While attending a conference, I am also aware of the numerous psychiatry and neurology residents here preparing to take their board exams tomorrow, as they lay out by the pool with heads buried in flashcards and exam prep books.

“I remember being in your same position two years ago,” I said to one of the girls who studied while lounging on the chair next to me. All I could remember from that day two years ago was memorizing the diagnostic criteria for various psychiatric diagnoses, the treatment for alcohol and drug withdrawal, etc. I never would have imagined noticing the simplistic, yet characteristic details of the locale like I am able to observe now. Fortunately, I passed the horrific test, yet I reflect on the past and a part of me wishes I was more mindful of the details from that experience. However, as the saying goes, “better late than never.”

Photo by Marlon Santos

March 12, 2015 6 comments

Personal

Weekend Reflection

written by freudandfashion

{Ventura Pier, CA}

In order to take charge of my life after a stressful week, I made the decision to temporarily cut back on certain responsibilities. In the past, I rarely said “no” to projects or other opportunities, however, as I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been extremely overwhelmed and need some time to regroup. Though it’s difficult, especially if you’re someone who people rely on (especially if you’re the caregiver type), setting boundaries with people and activities is a healthy way to cope and manage your life. I’ve never met anyone who devotes a huge percentage of their energies on work and everyone else BUT themselves without getting burned out. However, if you have mastered the art of life balance, please message me. I’d love to know your secret.

Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend filled with relaxation and self-care!

March 8, 2015 19 comments

Personal therapy

Numb

written by freudandfashion

I honestly didn’t want to write a blogpost today. The main reason being that I’m not in a peppy mood, but why should blogging only be about happy thoughts when reality is that human beings experience a full range of emotions?

My current emotion = numb. I participated in a suicide debriefing at work today, which is a meeting where we review a recent suicide, process grief, and provide support for staff members involved. I have been open about my feelings surrounding patient loss (here, here, and here), and experiencing this sort of numbness is somewhat new to me. The intellectual part of me feels inclined to look up research articles to find meaning behind this numbness, however the emotional side of me lacks motivation to perform the work. We may sometimes experience a mixture of confusing, unfamiliar emotions, which may contrast from what one might perceive to be normal or expected. But that leads to criticism for feeling a certain way. How nice would it be to have freedom to be yourself and feel a certain emotion without being judged?

Yesterday, one of my newer patients wanted me to tell her where her anxiety is coming from and I replied, “I’m actually not sure, but perhaps you have an idea what might be triggering it?” My patients often expect me to identify the reason behind a specific emotion, but I find it difficult to formulate my thoughts without the patient’s own input. If I switched roles right now and sat in the patient chair and the psychiatrist asked me where I think my numbness is coming from, I’d say “I feel too overwhelmed and there’s no room for extra stress in my life.” (Then, the light bulb goes off in my head). I have too much going on in my mind and don’t have the reserve to tolerate more emotions at this current moment. Hence, feeling numb. Now that I think about it, feeling numb isn’t much different from the hours I spent watching House of Cards last night (Note: it’s out of character for me to watch that much tv on a regular basis). Either way, I am trying to avoid some unsettling feeling that I’m not quite ready to process. However, I’m bracing myself because I know the time to process the difficult emotions will eventually come. Until then, I still have two more seasons to watch.

March 5, 2015 20 comments

Personal Psychiatry

Casual Fridays – Join the Cause

written by freudandfashion

I started blogging during psychiatry residency training a few years ago not only because I needed a creative outlet, but also because I felt lonely and isolated living in a new town without an established support system. I initially coped by laying on the couch watching excessive amounts of television, but then the idea to start a blog popped up in my mind. Since I rarely shared my feelings with colleagues and supervisors, imagine how embarrassed I felt when my medical director told me that he read my blog! He said that he learned far more about me within minutes of reading a few blog posts compared to the last few months since I joined their program. Since I never felt comfortable enough to verbalize my thoughts nor struggles, I realized that my writing provided a necessary outlet of expression. Over time (through my training and participating in both group and individual psychotherapy), I let down my guard, however, it’s still a significant work-in-progress (ask the members in my current group therapy cohort). However, my experience allows me to empathize with my patients, especially when they describe the difficulties of discussing their issues with others.

The purpose of my blog has been to create an openness to discuss mental health, so I was excited when I came across the conscious clothing line, Wear Your Label, which shares a congruent mission: to create conversations around mental health and ultimately end the stigma. Each garment creates a sense of connection and empowerment by emphasizing positive messages in each piece. For example, their “Stuggle vs. Strength” tee (worn in photo) highlights the co-existence of both strength and struggle, for, the “most valiant strength develops through times of struggle.”

Many organizations, advocates, social media forums, etc, are rising with the same goals in mind of providing support, education, and resources to prioritize mental health. However, each one of us can contribute to this goal simply by opening up about our own individual struggles. That way, none of us ever have to feel alone.

February 27, 2015 6 comments

Personal

Pre-Med Flashbacks

written by freudandfashion

{Fairfield, CA}

I see numerous posted pictures on social media of college students studying late at night, cramming for tests, and getting frustrated with material. While viewing these images, I can’t help but get flashbacks of the times I was in the same position stressed and anxiety-ridden over upcoming exams. Over the course of my experience in blogging and social media, I have met numerous amazing people, which includes students, fashionistas, clinicians, other professionals, mental health advocates, and people coping with mental illnesses. I am always taken aback each time someone comments on my intelligence and fortitude because I never viewed myself as academically gifted nor standout in any way. I studied A LOT, attended office hours (even though I was too scared to ask any questions), diligently highlighted and took notes during and after class, drew study diagrams, attended practically EVERY class (I could never get myself to entrust in blackboard), participated in several organizations and held positions (even though I was often too nervous to voice my opinion), and volunteered at hospitals as often as I could. I knew my grades and MCAT (Medical College Admission Test) scores weren’t going to be enough to get accepted into medical school, so I filled my resume with numerous meaningful activities to prove I’d be a good candidate.

I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I’d hate to see anyone give up on their goals just because they’re not inherently the smartest, nor ranked at the top of their class, nor well-connected with professors and administration, or may be struggling with a difficult life event or an episode of mental illness. I often advocate for my college patients who struggle with mental illness to take time off from school to focus on self-care rather than crushing themselves to points beyond instability. If there’s anything that I have learned most from my mentors, my own experience, and also my patients’ experiences is that persistence and execution of your goals are key, and if it takes a bit longer to get there, then so be it. Persistence can mean anything from allowing yourself to regroup from illness, taking a break for experiential work to explore and solidify your goals, to putting yourself in roles that challenge you beyond your comfort zone.

So, while you anxiously await your exam scores, grad school acceptance letters, etc, I hope you entrust that the outcome (whether exciting or disappointing) will lead you a step in the right direction towards self-enhancement and achievement of your ultimate goal.

Photo by Marlon Santos

February 18, 2015 7 comments

Personal therapy

Sticking To It

written by freudandfashion

{midweek hike in Malibu Creek State Park}

My “Monday Motivation” consists of posting my continued efforts to maintain my New Year’s goals for 2015. I truly appreciate all of you because you’re part of my support system — you’re helping me hold myself accountable to stick with these goals! I can’t emphasize enough how important self-care is to maintain a sense of well-being, which is the reason my last few posts have been dedicated to the topic. Most of my patients struggle with the same issue, which leads to burnout, increased stress, uncontrolled anxiety, worsened health, and much more. The photos in my post are proof of my activities from last week, and serve as my motivation to continue this week. If you’d like to join me in my efforts to prioritize self-care, would love for you to share how you’ve been doing so thus far!

{Took a REAL lunch break & caught up with celeb gossip and world news}/ {went to two amazing yoga classes, even though I was initially too lazy to go and wanted to back out (pic taken before class)}

{Took a stroll on the beach of Playa Del Rey after my weekend therapy session}

January 27, 2015 11 comments

Personal

Fresh Start

written by freudandfashion

{Napa, California}

I’m excited about the new year, but must admit that I’m in a strange transition phase where my professional identity and personal identity are at odds with one another. Most of my life has been devoted to my education and in many ways I believe those years halted my personal development. When most of my childhood friends were getting married and starting their own families, I spent most of my days studying, memorizing, listening to lectures, getting grilled by senior physicians, studying so that I don’t look like an idiot in front of senior physicians, eating, sleeping (then repeat). My free time was spent either catching up on sleep or celebrating to make up for the fact that I spent several straight weeks studying (I think I’ve used the word “studying” way too many times in this post already).

“I wanted to become a doctor so I could serve others. And because of that I’ve lost everything. But I’ve also gained everything.” ~ ‘Patch Adams’

Being in my mid-30’s, I certainly miss the vibrancy that came effortlessly as an energetic 20-something year old. I recall working a 12 hour overnight shift in the Labor & Delivery unit, then heading straight to the airport (with only 1 hour of sleep) and boarding the plane in my scrubs in order to attend my sister’s graduation that day in San Francisco, then flying back the next morning (in my scrubs) to make it in time for another 12 hour shift. Time flew by way too fast. Before you know it, I’m at it again struggling to get a few days off in order to attend my sister’s wedding. I barely had any time to think…and little time to fully enjoy life outside of school. But that’s the path I chose and I am grateful with no regrets. Now that I have a bit more free time, I am mindful that the more I allow myself to savor the present moments and especially invest in my own self-care, the better a person and physician I become. After all, how can I care for others if I can’t take care of myself? In the past, my new year’s resolutions consisted of external measures such as losing weight, getting high grades/scores on exams, etc. But this year my goals are more internal and self-fulfilling…

My goals for 2015:

be present
be mindful
be open to self-discovery
be aware of my need for self-care.

Thought of the Day: What personal goals would you like to achieve in 2015?

Photos by Marlon Santos

January 8, 2015 11 comments

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