Mixed Feelings

{Inland Empire, California}

I contemplated skipping my weekly blogpost today, mostly because I got a headache each time I sat down to type.  But then I recalled my previous pattern of taking brief hiatuses from blogging, which eventually turned into a year long hiatus, and were mostly triggered by feeling too overwhelmed or stressed at the time.  Not going to repeat that pattern again this time around.  Social media has become so perfectly curated, which I believe is necessary to maintain to some degree (not sure anyone wants to see a photo of me taken immediately after I wake up in the morning), however, real life is far from perfect.  I know my trigger was the horrific mass shooting in San Bernardino, which is only minutes from where I grew up and nearby Arrowhead Regional Medical Center (the hospital that treated several of the victims), where I completed my medical internship and most of my medical school clerkships.  Whereas I’m normally cheerful, goofy and chipper on my Snapchat videos, I wanted to be real and instead talked about my shock and dismay.  Oftentimes people are afraid to show their true emotions due to fear of negative perceptions, but I wanted to be truthful about my sadness, anger, and frustration.  And as much as I’d like to write something profound about the psychological manifestations of how we might all be feeling, I don’t have much to say other than that I’m still in shock that something so horrifying could happen, let alone reach so close to home.  I believe that in the next few days, I’ll be more cognizant of how I plan to respond.  But until then, rather than beat myself up about not having a plan of action, I think I’ll allow myself to be human and experience whatever mixed emotions may arise.

Photo by Marlon Santos