Personal

Mixed Feelings

{Inland Empire, California}

I contemplated skipping my weekly blogpost today, mostly because I got a headache each time I sat down to type.  But then I recalled my previous pattern of taking brief hiatuses from blogging, which eventually turned into a year long hiatus, and were mostly triggered by feeling too overwhelmed or stressed at the time.  Not going to repeat that pattern again this time around.  Social media has become so perfectly curated, which I believe is necessary to maintain to some degree (not sure anyone wants to see a photo of me taken immediately after I wake up in the morning), however, real life is far from perfect.  I know my trigger was the horrific mass shooting in San Bernardino, which is only minutes from where I grew up and nearby Arrowhead Regional Medical Center (the hospital that treated several of the victims), where I completed my medical internship and most of my medical school clerkships.  Whereas I’m normally cheerful, goofy and chipper on my Snapchat videos, I wanted to be real and instead talked about my shock and dismay.  Oftentimes people are afraid to show their true emotions due to fear of negative perceptions, but I wanted to be truthful about my sadness, anger, and frustration.  And as much as I’d like to write something profound about the psychological manifestations of how we might all be feeling, I don’t have much to say other than that I’m still in shock that something so horrifying could happen, let alone reach so close to home.  I believe that in the next few days, I’ll be more cognizant of how I plan to respond.  But until then, rather than beat myself up about not having a plan of action, I think I’ll allow myself to be human and experience whatever mixed emotions may arise.

Photo by Marlon Santos

9 thoughts on “Mixed Feelings

  1. Honestly I am surprised how scared I feel. 9/11 was frightening but I was so much younger and so much further away. Living in CA and realizing that terrorists are now hitting “soft targets” makes me uneasy. I think the fact that we don’t have strong leadership reassuring us makes it even worse. I would hate to think that this is the new normal for America.

  2. Your post definitely moved me, and stayed with me over the past couple days. If I had any connection with the San Bernadino tragedy that happened (i.e.I lived in the area, etc.) I would have followed the story.

    I am so very sorry, my friend, for how you were affected by such awful, awful circumstances.

    After I read some of what took place in Paris, and realizing that was unhealthy for me to follow the news, I couldn’t do that this time. 😦 I wouldn’t be of any use to anyone. I know that sounds selfish, but it was more about just not being triggered and going into a state where I couldn’t be okay.

    My prayers are with all the people affected by the enormous loss. Thanks as always for your honest and touching post.
    And I send *you* a huge hug!

    XO
    Dyane

    • Hi dyane,
      I totally understand not wanting to watch the news after seeing the terror that occurred in Paris. I actually tried not watching the news about san Bernardino to get updates the following day because I wasn’t my norm and it really impacted my day. Our mind has a way of doing what we need to do in order to get by, function, and protect ourselves. I’m saddened for all the lives lost. many of them were county employees working in mental health in some capacity. So so sad. Hugs back my friend 💚

  3. I used to to bottle up my emotions and ended up in a dark dark place. After multiple therapies, huge weightloss and realigning of my anxious mind, I am able to have more control over how I react to certain difficult events. Its always healthier to let out emotions, show people how you really feel. Validate your moods.

    This is a side not to my thoughts that go out to you at this tough time.

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