{Yachats, Oregon}
Still on vacation and giving my brain a chance to rest. Will be back to reality and blogging more extensively when I return from my break next week!
Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend!
{Miami Beach, Florida}
Lately, my ability to write and stay connected via my blog and social media requires far more effort than usual. I’ve written in previous posts that when life gets overwhelming, one of the first things that fall to the wayside is my blog. I’m trying hard to stay consistent on posting because the last time I put my blog aside, I ended up taking a one year hiatus from September 2013 through September 2014. I sound like a broken record when I find myself regularly struggling with life balance, though I’m well aware that the ability to find balance is an ongoing process.
This weekend, I’m headed to northern California to visit my family for Father’s Day and am looking forward to reconnecting again. I also have group therapy today before catching my flight, so i hope to get some feedback from my therapist and group members regarding my disconnect and self-critical self.
I know that I am human, “nobody’s perfect,” and we’re entitled to our good and bad days. Yet, I just can’t help getting frustrated when I don’t feel like myself. I’m sure several of you out there can relate?
When approaching the door leading to my office, patients often look at the signage and proceed to ask one of the most frequently asked questions I receive: “What’s a D.O.?”
Several books and articles exist on explaining the background, history, and differences between being a D.O. (Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine) versus an M.D. (Doctor of Medicine). Also, debates on which degree is better persist, though I personally find the feeds quite annoying and amusing at the same time (mostly because I remember diligently reading these forums before applying to medical school, which were predominantly biased towards M.D., but I’m able to confidently say that myself and all of my classmates/colleagues that I know of from my D.O. program turned out just fine). So let me be clear that my purpose is NOT to exacerbate the debate between which degree to choose, but rather convey what being a D.O. means to me.
But first, let’s get the basics down regarding the two degrees (if you’re already aware of the basic similarities/differences, skip to the next paragraph):
I applied to both MD and DO programs for medical school and remained open to attending either one. I interviewed at both types of programs, but only received acceptance letters from DO schools. Perhaps I didn’t have the highest MCAT scores, GPA, or my interview responses weren’t impressive enough? Well, whatever the reason, I was just happy that the DO admissions committee gave me the chance to prove that I’d make a good doctor.
The whole concept of a more holistic approach to medical practice offered by DO programs sounded ideal to me, yet at the time I was more focused on getting through school and graduating rather than on how the philosophies would impact my practice as a physician. After graduating from medical school, I had the option to apply to either DO or MD residency training programs. I applied to both, yet decided to pursue the osteopathic route when I heard about the opportunity to be a part of the first osteopathic psychiatry residency on the west coast. As the oldest of 33 grandchildren, it was inherent of me to jump on the opportunity to help trailblaze a new program (my program director nicknamed me Hiawatha). I knew that my decision posed potential limitations in obtaining a future job since a few organizations still don’t accept psychiatrists certified under the osteopathic board. However, I took the risk because I saw more value in being the first to graduate from and help shape a new, developing program.
For me, being a DO fits my personality and what I’ve grown to stand for in my practice: being integrative, holistic, and preventative. I truly believe that without such an emphasis on integrative medicine as one of the main tenets of the program, I wouldn’t be the physician that I am today. Therefore, it’s no wonder that 50% of the graduates from DO programs become general practitioners (family practice, internal medicine, emergency medicine, etc). I initially despised having to attend osteopathic manipulation classes, and even failed my very first practical exam. Yet, the hands-on approach made me unafraid to touch my patients. Each psychiatrist is different, but for the most part human touch provides a sense of comfort and connection. A few of my patients politely ask for a hug, and if appropriate, I unhesitatingly oblige.
And in some unique way, I feel that being a DO caused me to work harder in a field predominantly filled with MDs to make my presence and way of practicing known. When a large, metropolitan county declined to consider me for a job due to my credentials, I utilized the rejection as motivation to persevere rather than a barrier.
And most importantly, I used to feel bombarded by the numerous, large framed portraits of osteopathic medicine’s founder, Andrew Taylor Still, MD, which hung in almost every corridor of each osteopathic institution. However, after feeling frustrated with several aspects of current practices in medicine, I’m undoubtedly far more appreciative and understanding of AT Still’s motivation in the 1800s as an MD to create a method of practice that rose from adversity (he lost 3 of his 12 children to viral meningitis with no method of saving them even as a physician himself) and frustration (an over-dependence on medications and the sometimes harmful medical practices of the time). I actually wish his story was more widely publicized because he epitomizes successful individuation from mainstream medical practices amidst much scrutiny and opposition.
In the field of psychiatry, where Western medicine can’t always explain nor provide the most adequate treatment via pharmaceuticals, wouldn’t it be great if we had more modern day AT Stills to branch off and create a newer system of viewing and practicing mental health? I’m truly frustrated with the current practices particularly the overemphasis on medications alone. The number of overdoses (100 people die from drug overdoses everyday in the U.S.), medicated children as early as infancy, continue to rise. Medications are only one component of treatment, but greater emphasis should be placed on developing resiliency, acknowledging the individual’s unique traits, and treating the person holistically rather than symptomatically.
AT Still put it best when he said the following:
“An absolute demand for revolution is before us at this date and time, for there is a demand for a progressive step in the line for treating disease. For a number of days I have been haunted by the feeling that we are in danger of getting into a rut unworthy of higher consideration than should fall to mere imitation. Let us not be governed to-day by what we did yesterday, nor to-morrow by what we do to-day, for day by day we must show progress.”
{Voodoo Doughnut, Eugene, Oregon}
I enjoy taking a stroll down memory lane every once in awhile to reminisce about the past. While trying to find a photo for my next blog post, I came across pictures of fun times in Oregon during residency training. In effort not to embarrass my fellow colleagues (think trashy theme party, dancing to “Baby Got Back,” and movie nights with some of the most grotesque films ever made, to name a few examples), I limited the photos to the least embarrassing (not surprisingly, many photos were eliminated), pictures mostly of myself, or with the obtained consent from my residency friends (if identifiable in the photos). I may constantly mention the hardships of the journey through medical school and residency, but my three years spent in Oregon brought about many friendships, fun experiences, and memorable moments that I’ll treasure forever.
{Residency Retreat at Black Butte, Oregon}
{Wine Tasting in the beautiful Willamette Valley, Oregon}
{My 1st time golfing}
{Good thing I didn’t get graded on my Pictionary skills because I clearly would’ve failed}
{Oregon Medical Association conference in Bend, Oregon}
{My 1st time snowshoeing, Bend, Oregon}
{My Princess-themed party that my awesome co-residents threw for me before graduation}
{San Diego, CA}
My whole week was a bit of a blur. I sometimes wish that I could take a vacation for a few months and have no responsibilities whatsoever. Where would I go? I have no idea. What would I do? No clue. Come to think about it, having no responsibilities for an extended period of time might be depressing. After all, my entire life has been devoted to my career, which is a huge part of my identity. Without my work, I’d lose my sense of purpose especially since being a physician makes up a large percentage of who I am. Perhaps that’s why retiring can be so hard (I have several retirees who present with depression). With that in mind, I suppose the better alternative to an extended vacation would be to continue working, but at a comfortable pace with firm limits and boundaries in place. It sounds so simple. After all, I know my limits and the workload I can handle before getting overwhelmed…but it’s my job to reinforce it. I guess reinforcing it is sometimes harder than the job itself.
{McDowell Sonoran Preserve, Scottsdale, AZ}
During my stay in Arizona, I was fortunate to reunite with friends from my residency training program and was especially excited to spend time with one of my closest friends from medical school. One of the subjects we talked about most was the struggle to obtain or achieve work/life balance. Balance and avoidance of burnout is essential for overall emotional and physical health. Burnout has been shown to be more prevalent in medical students, residents, and early career physicians compared to the general U.S. population.
My life is much more balanced than it has ever been, and I believe the biggest barrier towards accomplishing this in the past was the perceived lack of time as an undergrad, medical student, and psychiatry resident. I emphasize the word perceived because I truly believed that sacrificing my personal life for the sake of my future career was well worth the burnout. Well, by choosing to become a physician, yes, an immense degree of sacrifice is required. If I failed at any point in the process, would I have been upset? Hell yes! And I actually did almost fail because I put so much pressure on myself to do well that my anxiety sky-rocketed and impacted my test-taking abilities. Therefore, my scores were in no way reflective of the amount of time I spent studying, which really sucked (no need for a more formal term for my emotion; “sucked” pretty much sums it up). At that point, I broke down, cried, and told my parents that I wanted to quit medical school. And it wasn’t until then that I realized they didn’t care which profession I chose — they just wanted me to be happy. What a huge relief! All this time I thought I’d dishonor my traditional Asian family if I didn’t become a physician. Suddenly, at that moment, the weight and pressure to please my family lifted. I felt liberated. However, the remaining pressure I possessed was the pressure I placed on myself because I didn’t know of any other way to approach life while working towards my medical degree.
Looking back, if I had the opportunity to offer my past medical school self any advice, I’d tell her the following:
{Fairfield, California}
Time off from work couldn’t have arrived at a better time. It has been awhile since I wrote my last “Thankful Thursdays” post (see previous ones here and here), so I think it’s appropriate to write one given my current state of mind (which is more relaxed and centered). My vacation started off with a quick, last minute trip to visit my family in northern California, which is usually my preferred travel destination each time I get the urge to feel more rooted and have the need to reset. During a stroll with my sister, I realized the grassy hilltops are gorgeous landscapes that I’ve taken for granted ever since my family first moved to the area when I was in junior high. For some reason, the lush hills appeared immaculate and majestic this time around. I enjoyed reuniting with family visiting from the Philippines, tasting my mom’s traditional filipino dishes, and playing card games with my cousins and siblings. I truly savored my brief stay.
Currently, I am sitting in a hotel lobby located in the flourishing city of Scottsdale, Arizona. I stare outside at the backdrop of pristine mountains, pale blue skies streaked with thinly layered clouds, and adobe fountains and fixtures at the forefront. Everything seems extremely tangible – from the texture of the furniture to the warmth of the sun hitting my face. While attending a conference, I am also aware of the numerous psychiatry and neurology residents here preparing to take their board exams tomorrow, as they lay out by the pool with heads buried in flashcards and exam prep books.
“I remember being in your same position two years ago,” I said to one of the girls who studied while lounging on the chair next to me. All I could remember from that day two years ago was memorizing the diagnostic criteria for various psychiatric diagnoses, the treatment for alcohol and drug withdrawal, etc. I never would have imagined noticing the simplistic, yet characteristic details of the locale like I am able to observe now. Fortunately, I passed the horrific test, yet I reflect on the past and a part of me wishes I was more mindful of the details from that experience. However, as the saying goes, “better late than never.”
Photo by Marlon Santos
{Ventura Pier, CA}
In order to take charge of my life after a stressful week, I made the decision to temporarily cut back on certain responsibilities. In the past, I rarely said “no” to projects or other opportunities, however, as I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been extremely overwhelmed and need some time to regroup. Though it’s difficult, especially if you’re someone who people rely on (especially if you’re the caregiver type), setting boundaries with people and activities is a healthy way to cope and manage your life. I’ve never met anyone who devotes a huge percentage of their energies on work and everyone else BUT themselves without getting burned out. However, if you have mastered the art of life balance, please message me. I’d love to know your secret.
Hope you’re having a wonderful weekend filled with relaxation and self-care!
Have you ever felt guilty about having an unproductive week? That’s how I initially felt regarding this week, but in retrospect, I believe it was necessary to take it easy.
To be easier on myself (which is difficult for a self-critical person like me), I had to keep in mind two of my goals for 2015 (which I discussed in my previous post):
I felt ill this week and wanted to sleep most of the days, and therefore, couldn’t complete most of my tasks. However, I needed to listen to my body and its need for rest and recovery, whereas in the past, I’d push myself to go to the gym and stay up late until I completed everything on my to-do list. I also had insightful, yet emotionally-draining group and individual psychotherapy sessions, which resulted in me not wanting to write a blog post due to how much thought and psychological overtones I put into my posts. Yet, this is a pattern that has occurred in the past since I first started blogging in 2010, which resulted in large gaps between posts. I am trying to avoid those large gaps this time around and want to let you all know of the reason I’m late with this weekly posting.
What made me feel better was reading statements such as “it’s okay to not be okay,” which is definitely true, however, society makes you feel as if you have to be running on all cylinders ALL OF THE TIME. Which is fine, as long as you take necessary breaks and don’t wear yourself out. However, we are all human, and I often try to help my patients overcome barriers towards being less judgmental on themselves.
As you can see, I’m trying to take my own advice 🙂
{Fairfield, CA}
For Thanksgiving weekend, I could say I’m thankful for my family, job, friends, etc, though I’m thankful for these things every single day. This weekend, I’m especially thankful for the breakthroughs and insights I’ve had through therapy and life experiences I encountered this year, which have made me become more self-aware, mindful of my actions, confident in my strengths, accepting of my weaknesses, and appreciative of the many facets that make me who I am.
Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the rest of your weekend!